Warm-up before heading into a working session of divorce mediation, advises Deborah Dewalt a Burnsville family law attorney and mediator.

Mediation has fast become a popular way of reaching a divorce settlement. Many couples find that it is cost-effective, efficient, timely and better tailored to their unique situation, compared to more formal or more litigious ways of resolving divorce issues.

Typically, divorce mediation is a three person process involving the two spouses and the mediator. The mediator is a neutral who guides a discussion of questions the family faces as it splits into two households.

The mediator’s job is to help the couple gather essential information, discuss it in the context of future needs and goals, and generate options that are realistic and meet as many needs and goals on both sides of the table as possible. The mediator will also help structure the discussion, keeping the couple focused on one issue at a time and ensuring that both sides have an opportunity to share their views.

It is not the mediator’s job to make any decisions for the couple or give any legal advice. Many times mediators provide legal information, i.e., objective, factual information about what a statute says or what a court process is. Good mediators will clearly identify questions that ask for legal advice and will refer the parties to an attorney for answers. It is also not a mediator’s job to prepare the paperwork that needs to be submitted to the court to actually obtain a divorce decree.

So what can a party do to "warm-up" for mediation? Dewalt offers the following suggestions:

KNOW YOUR MEDIATOR. Take some time to get to know a prospective mediator. The goal is for each spouse to have a comfort level that the mediator is neutral, knowledgeable, personable and capable. Many mediators will offer a free half hour orientation to prospective clients. You may want to know:

• the mediator’s professional background (lawyer, psychologist, social worker, clergy, etc.)

• how long he/she has been mediating and how long in the family law area

• what mediation training has he/she had (if the mediator states that he/she is "Rule 114 qualified" it means that he/she has had 40 hours of divorce mediation training which met criteria set by the Minnesota Supreme Court, 6 hours of domestic abuse training and has an obligation to take 18 hours of continuing mediation training every three years)

• is the mediator involved in any professional mediation groups?

• is the mediator’s personality and communication style a good match with both of yours

• what are the logistics – where can the mediation take place, what days of the week and when, what are the mediator’s fees, is there a cancellation policy, is there a written mediation agreement or retainer letter

HAVE AN AGENDA. Before you come to the first mediation session, make a list of any issues that need to be resolved that day. Ask to discuss those first. Think about other issues and which ones are the most important, the easiest, or ones that need to be resolved before you can go on to other issues. Stretch out your thinking to consider what your life might be like next month, next year, five years from now, ten years from now and when you retire.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Mediators will often assign homework in the form of filling out questionnaires or gathering documents. Take the time to do the homework and bring it with you. Consider exchanging homework before you come to the mediation session or bringing extra copies for the other side and the mediator.

Assign yourself homework. If you’re planning to move out of the homestead, find out what it will take to get into a new residence and when you could do that. If you want to stay in the homestead, find out how you can get your spouse his/her share of the equity: is refinancing an option, are you willing to trade house equity for your share of the other side’s pension.

GENERATE MORE THAN ONE OPTION TO RESOLVE A DISPUTED ISSUE AND GIVE IT THE "I’D TAKE MY OWN OFFER" TEST. Truth told, most divorces can be resolved in a variety of ways that are reasonable, workable and within the range of results you might get if you tried a case. Challenge yourself to create several options that you believe could work for you. Then test them out on you, pretending to be the other side – would you agree to them?

BE HONEST AND RESPECTFUL. Practice the language of a polite, stranger attempting to resolve a business matter. When you use this style of conversing, you will likely eliminate much of the emotionality that gets in the way of discussing financial facts and the logistics of parenting schedules. If you don’t agree, you can plainly state, "I don’t agree with that." When you do agree, especially if you are agreeing to a resolution, do so with the conviction that you are willing to be bound by the agreement. Otherwise, it is perfectly fine to say "I think that will work, but I’d like to think about it" or "I’d like to discuss that with my attorney" or "I don’t know if that will work."

Provide information that is correct and complete. If you really don’t want to disclose some information, then say that you’re not going to disclose it.

LISTEN, REPEAT, CONFIRM. Stretch your empathy -- try to understand your spouse’s ideas and point of view. When you think you understand, restate your understanding and ask the other side to confirm whether your understanding is correct. Expect the same from the other side. Remember that understanding isn’t the same thing as saying you feel the same way or that you think the other person is "right."

LOOK FOR AGREEMENT ON SOLUTIONS EVEN IF YOU CAN’T AGREE ON FACTS. Focus on the things you can agree on. If you both agree on a solution, it is less important if you don’t agree on the underlying facts. In fact, sometimes total opposites are equally valid. Sometimes it’s impossible to determine a fact with certainty. Acknowledge these difficulties by describing them. Then move on to possible solutions.

SPEND THE MOST $$$$ ON YOUR BIG ISSUES. Consider trying to deal with some of the issues outside of the mediation room, especially if they are not very important to you or don’t involve very much money.

Most family law attorneys and mediators can tell a variation of the following coffee pot story. So the story goes. An attorney’s divorce client calls to complain that the coffee pot wasn’t in the box of items he picked up from estranged spouse. The attorney directs his paralegal to call the other side’s attorney. ($$$ in fees). The other side’s attorney call their client and then calls the first attorney’s paralegal back ($$$ in fees). The first attorney’s paralegal talks to the attorney and then calls the client back with the news that the spouse doesn’t want to give him the coffee pot. ($$$ in fees). Then end result is that both clients are charged more by their attorneys than the coffee pot was worth.

Even though one mediator costs less than two attorneys, mediators still charge by the hour.

CHECK OUT YOUR DEAL BEFORE THE MEDIATION ENDS. If you need to get a second opinion on the agreement you’ve worked out for yourself, do it before you commit to the other side that a full agreement is reached. Mediation is efficient and cost-effective if it resolves the issues. Everyone is disappointed if they leave a mediation thinking there’s an agreement, and the next day one of the spouses changes their mind and the deal’s off.

FOLLOW-THROUGH WITH THE COURT PAPERWORK ONCE YOU HAVE AN AGREEMENT. Make sure you get the benefits of your mediated agreement by following through to get the proper paperwork submitted to the Court. Family law settlements are not legally enforceable unless they have been approved by a judge.